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Dim Sum and PolyamoryDim Sum and PolyamoryBy Tom Limoncelli, 11/21/1999 (and updated 9/7/2001)Our local polyamory support group(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/njpoly/)occasionally has a social event at a local Dim Sum restaurant. While attendance variesfrom medium to small, I always attend because I find Dim Sum to be a delightfulmetaphor for discussing polyamory issues.Most people have never heard of Dim Sum, just like most people havenever heard of polyamory. So, the first time you explore it, it can beuseful to explore it with someone that already has a bit of experiencewith it. Just like polyamory.Sometimes people walk into a Dim Sum restaurant without knowing anythingabout it. They were hungry and this is what they found. They are confusedabout how things are served, how they are priced, what the items are, etc.They stumble through it. With the luck of the draw things might go welland they might enjoy it. Or, they may be horribly confused and it can bea disaster. Either way, the more flexible each person is, the greater thechance of success. Just like polyamory.Dim Sum is usually a weekend brunch kind of thing at a Chinese restaurant.It is intended to be an enjoyable and relaxing afternoon with friends andfamily. The food consists of various kinds of dumplings served in a uniquemanner. You sit at a table while waiters and waitresses roll carts of foodaround. They offer it to you and if it is something you like, you ask fora plate of it. If you don't ask for something, you won't get it. Theycan't read your mind. Just like polyamory.How do you pay for your meal? Well, the different things that are offered areall from different price categories. When you accept an item, a mark iswritten on your receipt indicating that you've received one more item inthat category. At the end of the meal you might learn that you receivedfive "A" class items, three "B" class items, and one "D" class item. I'venever been to a Dim Sum restaurant that tells you how much any of theiritems are before hand, but a reasonable meal will end up costing $10, $15,or sometimes $20 per person. So, just like polyamory, until you get a littleexperience, you don't know how to gauge the cost of what you do.Let's run through an example. A waiter pulling a metal cartapproaches your table.He says, "Pork buns". You say "yes, please" and a dish of bunsare put on your table. He marks your card in the column that says, well,you don't know what it says because it's in Chinese. But you assume iteither says "medium priced tier" or "stupid Americans, they don't realizewe're marking random places on this card!" If you are cynical, you won'tenjoy this little game because you'll spend all your time worrying. Justlike polyamory.Continuing with our example, now a plate of pork buns is placed at yourtable. There are four buns on the plate, and there are four of you, soeveryone takes one and eats it. Soon another cart has rolled to your tableand the process repeats..I've simplified it a bit the first time through, but now we can diga little deeper.This second cart appears and the item is announced. What happens nowis that everyone looks at each other with questioning looks. "Do you like,um, squid, um things?" someone asks. "Well, I might." you reply sheepishly."Well, we can get it if you like it." "Oh, I was just going to getit because I thought you like it!" Wow, this is like polyamory!Eventually someone realizes that this situation cries for communicationand pre-negotiation, just like in polyamory. So you devise a simple system:First, everyone has to be honest when an item is offered. Don't say youlike something just to look good or because you don't want to hurt someoneelse's feelings. If two or more people want the item, you get it. However,you have to pace yourselves so you don't receive items faster than thegroup can eat. You find out that certain people are allergic to shrimp,or don't eat pork, and you accomodate them. Not that you can't get anypork or shrimp, but that you will get proportionate amounts of other things.After some initial stumbling you now have a negotiated a process, and youproceed. Just like polyam... oh, you get the point.The next cart offers something that nobody likes, and the waiter isrejected. Everyone breathes a sigh of relief. We said "no" and the worlddidn't end, the waitress didn't yell at you or get her feelings hurt. Thisis an important lesson to learn in polyamory. You have to say "no" whenyou mean "no".The next cart offers pork shu-mai, something that everyone likes. Nowsuppose there are three of you and there were four shu-mai on the plate.Everyone takes one shu-mai and eats. Now there are three people lookingat the one remaining morsel of pork. Nobody takes it because they won'twant to be selfish. This is reverting back to our "economics ofscarcity" upbringing. There will be future carts with more shu-mai, right?Why be so afraid?So you decide to grab the one that remains. Wait! Someone else is alreadyreaching for it. Your chopsticks collide and you both give each other embarrassedlooks and offer the other person the food. "No, I insist." "No, Iinsist!" "No, please take it." "No really, I'll wait."You receive the piece of food. Will the other person be resentful? Maybethe other person really didn't care but you feel guilty anyway. Did you"win" and hurt the other person? Shouldn't we not think in terms of "win"and "lose" but instead in terms of helping each other all get what we want?Wow, are we talking about polyamory or Dim Sum?The next cart arrives and offers plates of, well, we don't really know.This waitress isn't very good at speaking English. We risk it, and alltake a bite at the same time. Ugh, its awful. Now this plate sits on ourtable for the rest of the meal, a reminder of our bad decision that won'tgo away. It stares at us like that lamp that you gave me for my birthdaythat I can't throw out lest I insult your good taste. It is like the storethat we don't go to since it was the favorite store of that former mutuallover. We drive by that store nearly every day and get a sick feelingin our stomach each time because we can not let go of our guilt, regrets,or whatever emotions are brought about by the sight. Our inability to letgo holds us back. Later in the meal someone spots a bus boy and asks himto take this plate away. We are liberated. The feeling is one of indescribablerelief!The next cart rolls to us and it has huge plates of fish. It looks goodand you want it. Someone else wants it too. However, the "if two peoplewant it" rule might not work here. It's a very large plate. Enough forfour people. As in polyamory, the pre-negotiated rules don't always fitthe extreme circumstances. Everyone pauses to negotiate an ad hoc rulethat fits this situation. Big decisions often require more information(just like in polyamory). The waiter is questioned about the type of fish,the spices, is it fresh? It seems that enough people will eat it so youget it. Success!More carts roll by and more plates are taken. You experience many newthings. Some are savory, some are sour, some are sweet. Some are great.Others are just downright awful. Towards the endyou receive more of the dessert ("sweet") Dim Sum and relax as you sampledelightfully understated treats such as coconut foamy things or yellowishcustardy things; we don't know the right terms for these things andmake them up as we go along. (Just like...)Finally you settle the bill and leave with the memoryof a good time had by all.The first time eating Dim Sum we don't know what anything is called.We take things on blind hope. That other table took one of those and theydidn't die therefore we can try that too. Some things you like, some thingsyou don't. Sometimes you find helpful information sources, and sometimesyou are your own teacher. Sometimes you realize that knowing the name isn'timportant... you enjoy it nonetheless.After many Dim Sum experiences you suddenly realize that you have learnedthe names, the customs, and procedures. You find yourself explaining itall to the new people just as others helped you before. You are now theexpert and you realize that we are all the experts. Just like polyamory.Tom Limoncelli is a 37 year old bi activist and organizer._uacct = "UA-572732-5";urchinTracker(); |
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